written by Amy Kirkpatrick, Certified Life Coach
Our aging parents and loved ones live in a world full of chronic losses and are trying to hold onto what
little control they have left. They are dealing with:
1. A loss of health- to move and act as they once did when they were younger.
2. Loss of friends and family members.
3. Loss of authority, power, and status. We live in a society that values “what you do”. When you
are done “doing” you must move quietly to the sidelines.
4. Loss of familiar surroundings when their home becomes unsafe.
5. And finally, loss of financial control when loved ones take over this task.
The magnitude of these losses and the need to hold on to some semblance of control make it so that
control > correct. What does this mean? To our aging loved ones, the need to control is greater than the
need to be correct. If we take away all ability to control, with their backs against the wall, our aging
parents’ last option is to simply say NO.
How can we help our elder parents maintain their sense of control? It is very important to choose
words carefully. Using action verbs signal power…and that they are in the driver’s seat.
Instead of: Dad this treatment is too involved. You just can’t do this.
Try: Dad, this treatment sounds very involved, how sure are you that you want to do this?
Instead of: Mom, this is how you should handle your finances.
Try: Mom, give me your thoughts on how you would like this handled?
It is very important to signal that you want to partner with your aging loved one on difficult choices. And
do it in a way that gives them room to change their mind, change directions, or even backtrack. This is
not about them doing what you think is the right thing. It’s about advocating for their right and need to
have a final say and ensure that their choices are being heard and honored. Approaching decisions in
this way takes the collective energy and focus off the battle for control and creates much needed
breathing room, allows fears to subside, and builds trust.
Tell yourself and your aging parent that your new title is: Control Facilitator (even when I think I have
better ideas). Good luck! And remember these conversations are often non-linear. Enter them with
patience, kindness, and respect.